Still Becoming: Settled

I never thought “settled” would be a word I’d ever long for. For most of my life, it seemed out of reach and, well, boring. Then life—as it tends to do—changed my mind.

We have been in our current abode one month shy of two years. Besides the handful of temporary moves made in the first two months after we landed back in Canada from Asia in the summer of 2023, we’ve already lived in two places. And now my honey and I potentially face another big move, occasioned by the owner’s decision to sell her house. The new owners may not wish us to stay, but that’s not a certainty—we’ll wait and see.

In last week’s Legacy Circle—a journaling group I attend (and you’re welcome to join!)—the prompt was forward-looking: Something I am still becoming is… My answer came immediately: settled! That’s a new one for me!

I had to sit with all the things that word conjures up. At first glance, very little in my lived experience has ever felt settled.

Place

From the day I was conceived (!), I’ve been on the move. Beyond countless travels across 68 countries, I’ve lived in nine countries spanning three continents—from as briefly as three months to as long as 29 years. I’ve written more about my thoughts on what place or abode means to me earlier. But I’m fairly certain that my honey and I have resolved to stay in beautiful British Columbia. That’s already settled, then.

Home

Until my 35^th year on this planet, the longest time I—with or without family—had lived in one house or apartment was one year and five months. That was a lot of moving. Now, approaching my 71^st year, my personal record is about seven years.

I can say unequivocally: moving house has become old. Moving takes an enormous amount of time and energy.

And as I become more acutely aware of the diminishing time ahead of me, I now long to become settled in a place I can call home. Since we are renters, not homeowners, this may be easier said than done.

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

Maya Angelou

Homemaker

As my last chapter as a businesswoman has drawn to a close, I am also settling more into the role of homemaker. Following my mother’s example, ever since leaving the nuclear family, my mission with each move has been to create a cozy, welcoming space, for us to live in and for guests to visit. But oh lordy—until recently, beyond keeping things neat and uncluttered, I did very little actual housekeeping. During our roughly 25 years in Manila, we thankfully had a helper (we fondly called him our house angel) who handled most of the heavy cleaning.

For the past four decades, I’ve been blessed with a life partner and my soulmate who willingly took on the daily work of household management—buying groceries, cooking, laundry, cleaning—while I managed and built my businesses. I was the primary (though not sole) income earner, and his projects allowed more flexibility than mine.

But I’ll be honest: I’ve also harboured a deep, visceral dislike for anything “housewifery”—and I suspect I’m far from alone in that! So imagine my surprise—likely surprising no one but myself—that I have started to engage more in the mundane chores of dishwashing, laundry, and general cleaning. My honey still does most of the cooking, but that’s more because he savours his own Cantonese food way better than my Western-style cooking, and lucky for me, I adore the meals he lovingly prepares for us.

I’ve heard it said that doing chores can be a form of meditation, clearing one’s mind, much like a Zen monk mindfully performing simple tasks.

The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.

Agatha Christie

I’m not quite there yet, but at least I no longer bristle at the thought of doing them. That’s progress, I feel.

The many meanings of “settle”

The word settle carries a whole spectrum of meaning. Just a few that might apply to me:

• Settle a debt owed—always
• Settle a score—not something I ever did
• Settle on a career—I’ve reinvented myself a handful of times
• Settle down (calm down)—I can be calm while still feeling unsettled about the state of the world
• Settle down (marriage, kids, mortgage, roots)—nope, not my path
• Settle for less / settle for more—years ago, a dear friend gave me a small platinum brooch engraved with the words, “settle for more,” and I pinned it to my bathroom mirror as a daily reminder

So here I am—settling gracefully into this quieter, final chapter of my life. Accepting whatever comes our way. And hoping, in time, to find and truly settle into a (final?) place we can call home.

Sometimes, some things have to settle, and you have to think about the intention of it.

Edgar Wright

What are you still becoming?

PS. I’m no longer focusing on my health journey in this online journal. Hopefully my cancer episode is done. I’m turning my attention to my continuing journey as a heroine in my own story, musings about past, present, and future. It’s not too late to subscribe (top right on the page), or unsubscribe (in the email you get), if this no longer interests you.