Day 12, first bad day

After a good eight-hour sleep, I woke up today feeling abnormally out of sorts.

Over the past week, since my second weekly chemo session, I’ve been physically feeling minor aches and pains all over my body when I come out of slumber. But typically, after getting out of bed, moving around, and eating a good breakfast, the rest of the day passes without drama.

So that is what I was expecting today, too.

Rather than moving toward feeling better, though, the discomfort got worse as the day wore on.

My hands and feet tingle with an odd burning sensation. Strange inner prickles course throughout my body. There’s pressure on my shoulders. My brain throbs with a low-grade headache, making focusing on anything more challenging.

F*ck chemo. 😤😤

You don’t overcome challenges by making them smaller but by making yourself bigger.

John C Maxwell

Anything good here?

Sure… Chiefly that it’s still a tolerable level of soreness. It’s big that there’s no nausea and my appetite is healthy.

And it’s huge that my honey and good friends are around to keep me cheerful.

Accept the presence of thorns, but let the rose inspire you.

Steve Pavlina

The chemo treatments may screw with my body for a while, but I have no intention of letting them destroy my spirit, dampen my joie de vivre, dullen my inner peace, or diminish my love.

I know from experience that rocky roads can take me to beautiful destinations. Maybe, no, I expect (!) this one will, too.

Can you think of a time when bumps in the road led you to an unexpected wonderful place?

The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross


  • I am so sorry to hear about the side effects of your chemo.
    Keep strong!

    As of the question. No the bumps on my road didn’t lead me to wonderful places. Some left (deep) scars in my soul and body. Some were just temporarily painful when they happened and are now forgotten. Along the way I lost my youthful insouciance. Some call this adulting. Part of the price you need to pay to live.
    I don’t cherish any of those painful moments even if they are part of life. None were necessary but alas inevitable. Sh*t happens.

    “There is no beauty in sadness. No honour in suffering. No growth in fear. No relief in hate. It’s just a waste of perfectly good happiness.”
    – Katerina Stoykova Klemer –

    • Oh dear, Sidney… It makes me sad to read your reply. What you describe sounds to me like you’ve experienced traumas that you have not yet been able to heal. That’s far from what I call “adulting.” Emotional scars don’t need to stay with us.

      And oh yes, sh*t happens, for very sure. I’ve had my share. It’s our responses to that sh*t, the lessons we learn about ourselves and life, that define us. I couldn’t disagree more with Klemer’s quote, and I will take that as a prompt to reflect on, maybe write about one day if I feel I get any insights. 💮🦋🙏

      • There are many ways to look at suffering, pain and trauma.

        As we are both educated as good Catholics we should see human suffering as a chance to follow the example of Christ and believe that it is a part of God’s plan. Or maybe it is just the Devine punishment for Adam and Eva’s original sin?

        From a Buddhist point of view we should be detached from it.

        Not sure how the Muslims see it.

        I am sure many great minds have found explanations for the human suffering and how to deal with it.

        By now you know I don’t like to sugarcoat things. Pain and suffering is inevitable but totally useless. The world would be a much better place without suffering and pain.

        I don’t need suffering to be able to appreciate my happiness.

        • Yes, Sidney, there are many ways to see this complex philosophical question: is pain useless? You have taken a utilitarian approach, and that is valid, of course. Certainly I do not invite pain, for myself or for others. Yet I tend to think that, with a right response, we can learn from our suffering, be ennobled by it, grow as compassionate humans… And hasn’t so much of the art, literature, and music created throughout the centuries been borne out of suffering? 💮🙏💮

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